I'm in a public sitting area, like at a library or a conference center. I'm reclining in a comfortable arm chair with my feet propped up on a coffee table, ankles crossed. Against the wall I'm facing are racks of books or magazines. I'm talking on the phone and I think it's a business call, although not especially important. In the dream, I am the same middle-age I actually am now. I am not as fat as I actually am but still overweight. However, I feel confident and upbeat. I don't remember the phone conversation, just that I was talking when I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye. A forgotten but familiar dread creeps through my stomach as I realize who is there. It is M-. With him is his youngest son, all grown up of course. I can hear their voices, but not the words. I miss a beat in my phone conversation, but turn my attention back to my caller and hope that M- and son do not see me. Slouched down as I am, and facing the wall, it's possible they won't. The dread flows out of me and I am calm again. I am speaking when I hear his voice hissing at me in anger. Startled, I struggle to finish my sentence. Suddenly, M- is in front of me. His face is a bit older and hard. He starts throwing money at me and saying something I don't catch immediately. I end my call and focus on M-. While I'm taken aback, I'm surprisingly unafraid. I open my mouth to speak, but the money he is tossing at me gets in my mouth. I sit up as I finally understand what he is saying. He's telling me to do the job he taught me to do. He taught me to kill and I am very good at it. A memory of myself as a young adult learning to shoot a rifle flits through my head. He wants it finished. I know who he wants killed, although I don't know. He walks away while I spit out the last of the money. I stand up and let the bills fall to the floor. Fists clenched, I face him and his son. I shout "No! Not anymore! I won't be a party to your evil!" I am firmly resolved in this. I will die myself before killing anyone. Both men are surprised and...I wake up.
My waking emotions are calm. While thinking it was a strange dream, I was not disturbed by it. Usually, I forget my dreams within an hour or so of waking. This time, it's been much longer and I still remember almost all of it clearly.
I know what it means. I didn't until I was halfway through typing it up. I can even break it down into smaller parts which have their own meaning. Such as talking on the phone indicates that I have a purpose now and have not been dwelling on the past. But I won't belabor all the smaller points. The gist is that I've had this "demon" lurking in the back of my mind for nearly 30 years. I shut it up behind a brick wall, but every so often I would hear it roar and it always had a claw in my heart. With this dream, my subconsious and the Holy Spirit helped me to evict the demon. Is it dead? No, I do not think so. But it no longer occupies space in my head and the claw is gone from my heart. A small pinhole sized scar will always be there, but it's very tiny and scars are signs of either stupid mistakes or battles won. In this case, it signifies both. Thank God!
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