This & That

For the first week after my mother died, I didn't have much of an appetite.  I'd eat when I felt lightheaded or my stomach growled.  During the second week, my appetite returned with a vengeance.  Last Monday, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for pumpkin muffins.  My favorite!  Since it's cheaper per muffin to buy four of them, I did, figuring I'd have them for a couple of days.  I surprised myself by eating two of them with my DD coffee.  Huh.  My appetite was back.  Shoot, I'd been really hoping I'd lose some weight.  Oh well, I was going to be physically active with sorting, packing and lifting.

I'd had a really good day last Monday, October 10th.  It was Columbus Day.  No mail.  No banking.  My mind was back in the day when Columbus Day was a national holiday.  I was outside in the beautiful weather, hauling the last of my stuff from the shed.  I was surprised to see the yard waste pick up truck coming down the street.  Well, that meant there would be regular garbage pick up on Tuesday.  So I proceeded to fill both of the green regular garbage containers and the blue recycle container.  In fact, the blue one was so full that the lid was nearly vertical, resting against an old, cracked Sterlite container.  I was very pleased with myself at how much I'd accomplished.  Even my daughter commented.

My energy flagged a bit after Monday.  Not that I wasn't busy.  I just wasn't doing as much physical work.  I was doing a lot of online research.  I looked into the Section 8 housing for various Illinois counties.  I researched the value of several items I wanted to list on ebay.  On Tuesday, after I went to the bookstore and sold some books, I picked up my sister from work--where she gave me a bunch of boxes--and we had lunch.

Also, on Tuesday, I finally received my optical scanner.  With it, I can scan the ISBN codes on my books to enter them in my catalog software.  OMG, I was so excited!  I'd been typing them by hand, but with the scanner I could zip through a couple of boxes very quickly.  This did spur me on to start packing the books already in my database.

On Wednesday, I made some phone calls and continued my research.  My sister sent me a text message that she had more boxes and I told her I'd get them Thursday.  But Thursday dawned gray and rainy.  I put my sister off until Friday.  I went to the library and Dollar General.  I  watched TV downstairs with Tabitha, Khai and Emmy all sleeping nearby.  When I went upstairs, I took a nap with Jessie and Bebe.  Feeling a bit more refreshed, I scanned and packed up a couple more boxes of books.

Friday was errand day.  But I didn't hurry.  It was sunny again, but cooler and very windy.  I went to the bank, picked up more boxes from my sister and went to WalMart.  This was my first grocery shopping trip since my mom had died.  It was a very difficult excursion!  I got run into by someone's cart when I stopped short in the personal hygiene aisle because I suddenly remembered that I didn't need to buy Depends!

So many little things made me think of my mom.  I almost broke down in front of the dairy section.  They had eggnog!  Several brands, too!  My mother was an eggnog fiend.  Every year, while I could get it, I almost always had eggnog in the refrigerator.  I made pancakes, french toast and muffins with eggnog.  I put it in her Cream of Wheat, for pete's sake!  That was another thing I couldn't buy--Cream of Wheat.  I liked it and never minded having it three or four times a week.  It was inexpensive and I'd flavor it with Nesquik for myself.  My mother, however, was getting tired of it.  A couple of months ago, I had purchased caramel bits in the baking section at WalMart.  We put them in our Cream of Wheat and my mother really liked it.  I stood in the cereal aisle, looking up at the Cream of Wheat (they always have it on the top shelf--no matter where I shop), and trying to picture myself eating it by myself.  It made my heart hurt, so I didn't get it.  I think I'm going to get myself some instant oatmeal.  I bet the caramel bits would be good in oatmeal.

Today, Saturday, wasn't too bad.  I did three loads of laundry.  Mostly my bedding because I have an elderly cat who seems to be incontinent.  I ran to Dollar General because I'd forgotten hangers and thank you cards on my other shopping trip.  Then I carted a few boxes into the living room to sort through while I watched TV.  I got one box done and lay down on the couch with my laptop on my stomach.  I tried to play my Facebook games, but I fell asleep.  Tabitha and Khai kept me company.  Emmy stayed as long as I petted her, then left.

Poor Emmy!  She keeps looking for my mother.  It breaks my heart to see her like that.  I try to give her extra attention, but she looks so lost.  I need to find her a new home.  She's a sweet, gentle cat.  But I have Tabitha.  Actually, Tabitha has me.  If my daughter moves in with her boyfriend at his parents' house, she can't take Bebe and Jessie with her.  I may be with three cats!  And Emmy is an Angora.  She has long fur that needs to be brushed every day.  I have neither the time nor inclination to brush a cat that much.  She would also be much happier as an only cat, with a person or persons to give her lots of affection.

If anyone knows of someone who'd like to adopt her, she's 11 years old.  Her front claws were removed (before we got her) and she's been spayed.  She likes to play with fuzzy balls and catnip mice and to chase a feather teaser.  She's quiet and reserved.  She has beautiful green eyes.  In fact, her full name is Emerald--named for her eyes.

Emmy

Loss & Aftermath - The Funeral

Tuesday was quiet.  My brother took me for breakfast.  A cousin came over and the two spent most of the day together, which gave me some much needed decompression time.  I was, however, dreading the funeral.  Every time I thought about it, I felt like I was going to throw up.

Wednesday, 10/5/11, was the funeral.  My brother took me for breakfast again.  I don't recall what we did between breakfast and the funeral.  My daughter helped me pick out what to wear.  I didn't have a lot of options.  The weather was warm and sunny and I didn't want to be too hot.

When we got to the cemetery, my friends were the first people I saw.  Seeing them made me feel better.  I hadn't even noticed I was tense until I felt it ease from my neck and shoulders.  As I made my way inside the main building, I greeted family and friends.  Once papers were signed we all proceeded to the chapel.  It was the shortest funeral procession I'd ever seen.

At the last minute, Bo found a Catholic deacon in the restroom.  My mother would have appreciated that little quirk of fate.  The deacon did a short service and sprinkled holy water, which would have thrilled my mother.  She was a Catholic at heart.  People were invited to come up to the casket, but I didn't notice that anyone did.  I guess when it isn't open, it's not as interesting!  Bo let us talk a quick peek inside--mostly to assure my sister that it was indeed our mother inside.  (She has a real issue about bodies not being where they should be.)  But it also gave my oldest brother a chance to see her for the last time.

My visiting brother and I had already planned to go for dinner at a local restaurant and my daughter and her boyfriend were joining us.  My other brother and his family, along with my sister were going to a much fancier place.

I couldn't help but wonder, if I wasn't already going with my oldest brother, would the others have invited me to accompany them?  Further, if we hadn't had any plans, would we all have gone together?  I'll never know, but I did have a really good Santa Fe chicken salad at Wolf's Head Inn.  My brother got his favorite and my daughter tried flying fish (ugh) and her boyfriend had a bacon-burger.  It was very good and we had a nice time.

I tried to take a nap when I got home, but I couldn't sleep.  I brought my laptop downstairs and spent the evening with my brother since he was leaving very early Thursday morning.

All in all, his visit was good.  I surprised myself by having a small, momentary regret that he wasn't staying another day.  I think it worked out fine and I feel that all four of us siblings are a little bit closer now.

Loss & Aftermath - Monday

Less than 24 hours after my mother passed away, I made an appointment with the funeral director at Damar-Kaminski funeral home.  My sister and brother offered to accompany me.  I didn't need them in the respect of what to do and the decisions to be made.  But I sent my sister a text to meet me for the emotional support and, to a lesser degree, to play devil's advocate.

My sister deals with stress with humor.  Sometimes inappropriate humor.  And sometimes something that's not quite humorous.  But, I knew that trait would help keep me from losing it completely.  She was at Damar first and went in to use the restroom.  The first thing she said to the funeral director was "Business been good?"  Yep, that's my sis.

A little background first.  My mother was horrified at the thought of cremation.  She threatened three of her children--including myself--with haunting us if we were to cremate her.  And whether or not you believe in ghosts, we took her threat quite seriously.  My mother had strong ties to The Big Guy.  They'd've worked something out!  To me, she had also asked that she get "something besides a pine box." Ooookay.

At Damar, the first thing was to find out what her life insurance payout was.  Well, that didn't go as well as we thought.  On the phone, I had indicated what I thought would be the payout.  Not much, but should cover basic costs.  So the guy helping us--I'll call him Bo--had worked up a draft of what we could do.  I told Bo about my mom's "pine box" comment and what he had looked good.  He left that with us while he went to get an exact amount from State Farm.  I knew something was wrong when he came back in with the phone because the SF rep wanted to speak to me directly.

The payout--which hadn't been much to begin with--was less than half of what we expected.  My heart sank  As I hung up the phone, I said, "Well, I promised no pine box, so how about pressboard?"

We spent the next 45 minutes or so going over the options--which were few.  Even my sister's humor was faltering.  It looked like we'd have to cremate.  One of the biggest costs by far was the opening and closing of the grave.  The plot had been paid for when my dad passed on, but the cemetery fees were steep.  Bo and my sister were looking to me to say yes to the cremation when, exasperated, I said "Even if we could put her in a pauper's grave, just so she wouldn't be cremated."  When I looked at Bo and asked "Do they even do that anymore?"  I could see he had thought of something.  "You're mom's Catholic, right?"  My sister and I both nodded.  A hesitant smile played across his face and he said two words.  "Catholic Charities"

After that, decisions were made quickly.  Bo called the CC and we worked up (yet another) draft.  There was more humor, as we felt much better about the whole thing.  When we went to look at the casket, my sister's humor kicked into overdrive.  I fed off of it.  I think we both felt so relieved that we got the giggles.  My sister and I, touching the cloth-covered casket, looked at each other and said simultaneously "pressboard!" and burst out laughing.

I looked around the display room and said "It's not as creepy in here as I thought it would be."  My sister said, "Well, there aren't any dead bodies in them."  I responded, "They could use mannequins."  Bo grimaced.  As we were leaving the display room, my sister set off another round of bad jokes by saying they should put buttons in the caskets with recordings so during a viewing you'd hear "Don't I look like myself?"  I went further with "motion sensors" that could say "Does this casket make me look fat?"  And "How's my hair look?"  Bo beat a hasty retreat back to the conference room.  I can't imagine why.  But it's a very good thing there were no wakes going on at the time!

My sister took me to lunch afterwards.  When we got to the restaurant, she said "We forgot about an obituary!  That's another $125 or so." and whipped out her cell phone.  Thinking about how word had spread so quickly through Facebook and email, I said "Do we really need it?  Look how fast the news got out through Facebook and email."  She closed her cell and said, "You're right."

After lunch, I tried to take a nap, but as emotionally drained as I was, I couldn't sleep.  My brother was coming in from North Carolina that evening so I just tried to relax.  I made some phone calls and put out emails and Facebook messages about the funeral arrangements.

My brother arrived early at about 5:45 p.m.  He offered to take me to dinner, but I'd had that big lunch and wasn't hungry.  I made it clear from the start that the food in the refrigerator was Brittany's.  I handed him bread, lunch meat and cheese and let him make himself a sandwich.  I was a little surprised that he wanted to stay at the house.  He'd have to sleep in my mother's bed, which, although I had changed the sheets, was kind of creepy to me.  I was able to escape upstairs about 8:30.

I'd have to say Monday was almost as stressful has Sunday had been.

Loss and the Aftermath - Sunday

My mother passed away Sunday.  It's been very difficult.  Not only was she my mother and housemate, she was my job.  I was cook, nurse, maid, chauffeur, and companion as well as part-time pharmacist, pet groomer, launderer, and all around gopher.

Not that I've had much time to be at loose ends.  When I got home Sunday early evening, my daughter made sure I was okay.  She brought me food (Thai!) and sat with me for awhile.  I was very appreciative of her and I love her all the more for taking care of me.  When she mentioned she had been planning to go out, I encouraged her to go; I needed time to myself.  She checked on me a couple of times, which was nice.

I was exhausted and planned to get to bed and maybe--just maybe--get some sleep.  Wasn't happening.  I finally got up and went on the computer.  I sent emails and posted info on Facebook.  I got responses almost immediately and anyone who asked if they could help were told to contact the members of their immediate family who weren't on Facebook or for whom I did not have an email address.

Much later at night--closer to midnight--I could feel myself falling into a deep, dark funk.  Too late to call one of my bf's, I tried to play Farmville or Zoo World, but I just couldn't get into it.  At that point, one cousin living in Oklahoma came up on chat.  She and her two sisters were closer to me than many other cousins, simply because we were of an age together and had spent many summer vacations together.  When she was older, she took care of our grandmother for awhile.  So did my mother.  We had a really nice chat about that and our respective health issues.  We caught up on what else was going on in our lives.  We chatted for an hour and a half and when we signed off, I felt much better.  She helped me through a potentially bad time and I knew God was taking care of me.

Phyllis M. Peto
1/7/32 - 10/2/11
We Miss You!