I slogged through apartment hunting, threw myself into decorating, started a regime of better eating and walking, and tried to go with the flow of my new life.
Painting and decorating was a lot of fun. I pushed myself to think outside the box with my colors and decor. It may not seem like anything very different to some people, but for me it's outre'.
It took me three months to unpack everything. I didn't wanted to have my stuff in piles just so I could say it was unpacked. I wanted things where they made sense--at least as much as possible with very little storage space.
In June, when I found out that the building I'm in was in foreclosure, my knee-jerk reaction was to move right away. Thinking I could take my time and find a nice place at an affordable price, I started looking at apartments. When I hadn't found anything by the end of October, I decided to put the apartment hunt on hold until after the holidays.
Eating better and walking kind of faded over time, although I still try to get out and walk each week.
Mother's Day set off a depressive episode which wasn't helped with the foreclosure information. But in November, I found my Christmas Spirit was bubbling forth. I could hardly wait until after Thanksgiving to start decorating. I had brought an artificial tree from my mom's house, but it broke when I started to assemble it. The next day my sister offered me her old tree because she was getting a new one. When I pulled out my decorations, I was pleased to find that things I had bought at different times and places matched each other and my dark blue wall.
I had a wonderful Christmas, even though I didn't have presents for anyone. Now it's New Year's Eve and I find my Christmas Spirit waning. Of course, New Year's has always been harder for me to deal with than my birthday. The end of a year brings memories both good and bad. And consequences of decisions--both good and bad. The most difficult thing for me is spending another New Year's Eve by myself. When my daughter was a child, I had her to focus on, but even she didn't totally dispel that sense of loneliness.
While I can only imagine how terrible it is to lose a soul mate to death or divorce, I can't help thinking, as Tennyson wrote: "'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
Tomorrow I have to start apartment hunting again. If I can't find a new place by January 9th, I'll have to sign a lease to stay here. While I like what I've done with the place, I can't ignore the horrendous electric bill. Not only is electric heat inefficient, but my apartment is very drafty. I dread the frigid temperatures that January and February bring. So maybe, it'll be in with the new tomorrow!
