Blame it on Squirrels

I have a bird feeder.  Specifically, it's a suet cage that I suspend from a shepherd's hook.  I placed it in front of a window so the cats could watch the birds.  Unfortunately, the squirrels like to climb up and eat the seeds, too.

The squirrels love to tease Tabitha.

When the squirrels jump off the shepherd's hook, sometimes the suet cage falls off. Of course, I have to go out and pick it up and hang it again.  Seriously, I can't deprive my cats of their entertainment.

Last night I noticed that the cage had been knocked off again, but I waited until this morning to get it.  When I'm running outside for something quick, like taking the garbage out or rehanging the suet cage, I don't usually bother with a coat.  And I leave the door open or just pull it to the jamb.  Fortunately today I grabbed my jacket because when I pulled the door to, it went too far.  When I heard the snick of the latch, my heart sank.  I literally felt a lump in my stomach.

You see, when the management group took over the building last summer, they changed the locks.  My door knob locks automatically, unless I twist the button on the inside to completely unlock it.  Except I hadn't twisted the button inside.  So when the door latched, it was locked.  With my keys inside. And my phone inside.  And me outside.

After berating myself for a couple of minutes, I went ahead and rehung the suet cage.  Then I considered my options for getting back inside.  I walked around the apartment and checked all the windows.  There were only two that were unlocked.  They were the two that showcased my Christmas tree--both at the front of the building.

I started with the side window because I could get to it more easily from the outside.  With Tabitha meowing and pawing the window from the inside, I was able to push the screen up out of the way.  The window took a bit more maneuvering since there was little to grab onto.  By shoving my fingers under the lip of the upper, fixed window, I was able to push the lower window up and open.

While blocking Tabitha from escaping, I assessed the situation.  The bottom edge of the window was even with my chest.  There was no way I could hoist my plus-sized self up and through the window.  I thought about dragging the outdoor storage box around from the front, but I happened to look at the front window and realized what I could do.

I replaced the side window and screen and went around the corner to the front.  Since I had placed most of the statuary in the storage box, I was able to get to the window fairly easily.  I raised the screen and the lower window as I had on the side.  Tabitha almost immediately tried to jump out.  Quick reflexes caught her as her leg muscles were bunching for the leap.  I credit those online games for keeping my hand-eye coordination strong!

To my left, inside, between the door and the window I had opened, was my small butler table where I kept my keys.  And, thank God, my keys were actually there!  Every once in a while I toss my keys in my purse, but this wasn't one of those times.  Finally, I had caught a break!  Now, I just had to reach them.  And keep Tabitha inside.

I tried to pull one of the plastic candy canes from the ground so I could snag my keys.  But the ground was too frozen and the candy canes wouldn't budge.  I thought of the straw broom, but that was too big.  And too dirty.  Getting more desperate, I turned sideways and reached to my left as far as I could with my right hand.  The keys were just out of reach, but I was able to grab the watering can I keep there.
By turning it upside down, I finally snagged the keys with the spout.  Thankfully, Tabitha's attention had been focused on my efforts, so she didn't try to get out again.

I replaced the window and screen and with a sigh of relief, let myself back into the apartment.

Interestingly enough, no cops showed up.  This was both a relief and a concern.  I did not want to have to explain my stupidity.  However, I hope that people knew I was the resident and that's why nobody called the cops.  And the fact that it was broad daylight.

Oh, I have subsequently locked both those windows.  What I'll do if I ever lock myself out again, I have no idea.

Out with the Old

Twenty-twelve.  It's been an interesting year for me.

I slogged through apartment hunting, threw myself into decorating, started a regime of better eating and walking, and tried to go with the flow of my new life.

Painting and decorating was a lot of fun.  I pushed myself to think outside the box with my colors and decor.  It may not seem like anything very different to some people, but for me it's outre'.

It took me three months to unpack everything.  I didn't wanted to have my stuff in piles just so I could say it was unpacked.  I wanted things where they made sense--at least as much as possible with very little storage space.

In June, when I found out that the building I'm in was in foreclosure, my knee-jerk reaction was to move right away.  Thinking I could take my time and find a nice place at an affordable price, I started looking at apartments.  When I hadn't found anything by the end of October, I decided to put the apartment hunt on hold until after the holidays.

Eating better and walking kind of faded over time, although I still try to get out and walk each week.

Mother's Day set off a depressive episode which wasn't helped with the foreclosure information.  But in November, I found my Christmas Spirit was bubbling forth.  I could hardly wait until after Thanksgiving to start decorating.  I had brought an artificial tree from my mom's house, but it broke when I started to assemble it.  The next day my sister offered me her old tree because she was getting a new one.  When I pulled out my decorations, I was pleased to find that things I had bought at different times and places matched each other and my dark blue wall.

I had a wonderful Christmas, even though I didn't have presents for anyone.  Now it's New Year's Eve and I find my Christmas Spirit waning.  Of course, New Year's has always been harder for me to deal with than my birthday.  The end of a year brings memories both good and bad.  And consequences of decisions--both good and bad.  The most difficult thing for me is spending another New Year's Eve by myself.  When my daughter was a child, I had her to focus on, but even she didn't totally dispel that sense of loneliness.

While I can only imagine how terrible it is to lose a soul mate to death or divorce, I can't help thinking, as Tennyson wrote: "'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Tomorrow I have to start apartment hunting again.  If I can't find a new place by January 9th, I'll have to sign a lease to stay here.  While I like what I've done with the place, I can't ignore the horrendous electric bill.  Not only is electric heat inefficient, but my apartment is very drafty.  I dread the frigid temperatures that January and February bring.  So maybe, it'll be in with the new tomorrow!

Boob Tube

It is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.T. S. Eliot

In my house, when I was growing up, TV was referred to as the "boob tube" not for any female anatomy reference but because it turns us into boobs, or idiots.

Years ago, when I worked in Corporate America, I used to record Jeopardy every week day.  When I got home from work, I'd watch it.  I never thought to cheat, either.  I mean, I could've paused the recording to think about the correct answer, er, question, that is. On weekends I would watch home improvement and gardening shows.

But there were a few prime time shows I liked.  I remember watching CSI: Crime Scene Investigations.  The first one.  I also remember watching Sisters.  Anyone remember that tear jerker?  It was a prime time soap opera, but it sucked me in.  I watched a lot of Nick-at-Nite 'cause I really liked some of those old shows, especially the Dick Van Dyke Show.  What a classic!  One of the very, very few shows I will watch over and over.

When my daughter and I moved in with my parents, I remember watching Dark Shadows (I had been too scared to watch it when I was a kid) and a show called PSI Factor: Chronicles of the Paranormal which was a Canadian show that ran from 1996 to 2000.  Sometimes I watched X-Files.  The early years were pretty good, but the show got too intense for me.  Oh, I have seen every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Buffy cast

Sometime after my dad passed away, I stopped watching TV, except when I was with my mom.  She liked all the old cop shows.

For several years I rarely turned on my TV when I was upstairs in my room.  My daughter would sometimes badger me to run on the Bears game.  Once in a while I would watch The Smoking Gun Presents: The World's Dumbest.  The video clips were hilarious.  At Christmas time I would watch a few Christmas movies.  But usually, when I went upstairs after being with my mom all day, I didn't watch TV.

Of course, mostly I would read.  I went on the computer (that was before Facebook).  I did Sudoku and Acrostics puzzles, too.

After my mom passed away last year, I felt compelled to watch the remaining episodes of Gunsmoke and Hawaii Five-O that were still on the Uverse dvr.  I'm not sure why, but I watched one a day until all the recordings were gone.  Weird.  I should have put that in my last post, I guess.

Anyway, for months after that, I rarely watched anything on television.  Even when I moved in February, getting cable was only urgent because I needed the internet hook-up and it was cheaper to get the TV & internet combo.  But it wasn't until I was sick in April that I started watching again.

I started slow.  Jeopardy, of course, was still a favorite.  I have a fairly basic package, but it has Discovery channel, Investigation Discovery and History channel.  So I would watch Dirty Jobs (love Mike Rowe!) and Unusual Suspects and stuff like that.  Reality TV without the idiots.  Well, except for the perps.

Then, my sister told me about The Big Bang Theory.  The first episode I watched was a rerun from a previous season, but I was hooked.  I love these guys!  Maybe because I can relate.  I was kind of a nerd in high school.  I guess I still am, sort of.

BBT cast

And a friend told me about Psych.  I enjoyed that show, at first.  But then Sean's wiseguy thing started to turn  me off.  There's new episodes coming in February.  I may check a few of them out, but otherwise, it's not a favorite any more.

But then it happened.  I remembered watching a couple of episodes of Criminal Minds way back when it was a new show.  So when I saw reruns on a couple of channels I started watching it again.  Then I started watching Law and Order: SVU which was another show I'd watched years before.  That led to Law and Order: Criminal Intent.  Not a good as SVU, but good enough.  Then the same friend mentioned NCIS, so I got curious.  Now I'm hooked!  I love how the techies on both Criminal Minds and NCIS are quirky.

Abby Sciuto - NCIS

Penelope Garcia - Criminal Minds

To balance out all the crime shows, I am also hooked on House.  I'd watched it--or tried to--once a couple of years ago, but my mom didn't like it.  Now, I avidly look for every rerun on any channel.

I'm not sure what TV is doing to my brain.  Am I turning into a boob?  An idiot?  I still read, although not nearly as much.  I'm on the computer more because I'm on Facebook and I'm selling on Ebay and Listia.  I don't want TV to worm it's way into my brain like some parasite.  Oh yeah.  I watch Monsters Inside Me, too.  And Haunted, when I remember.

Do I have to change the title of this blog?  Eh, not yet, anyway.  When I do read, I'm still fast.  I've worked my way through a few dozens books in the past few months, so I think I'm still good with the reading.  If I get too carried away with watching TV, somebody come slap me, okay?

It's Weird

Sometimes there are things I see or hear about or read about and I can't help but shake my head and wonder what's up with that?  I know, for some things, there are explanations for the item or phenomenon.  It still makes me wonder why.

Weather would be a perfect example.  Meteorologists can tell me about temperatures and wind and precipitation involved in "fronts" and "systems" but it's still weird to see:

• rain falling sideways
• the sun shining when it's raining (or raining when the sun is shining)
• fog
• hail during the summer

macaque

Then there are animals that make you wonder what God was thinking.  I've watched Discovery Channel and Animal Planet and they spout their theories of evolution and adaptation.  It's still weird to see:

• the platypus
• birds that can't fly
• mammals that can fly
• fish that walk on land
• deep sea creatures
• males who give birth

There are things that are within a person's control.  Decisions made, ideas not thought out, mistakes or just plain defiance of social norms.  It's weird to see (or hear):

• children named Number 16 Bush Shelter, Midnight Chardonnay, Fifi-Trixibelle , Moon Unit, Dweezil, Apple or Rumer.  The list goes on and on, but the little girl named Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii tops my list as the worst name.  Fortunately, a judge agreed and, at age 9, she legally changed her first name--against her parents wishes!
• the designs of roadways like "roundabouts"

• houses made of strange building materials

house made of plastic bottles

• houses painted...uniquely

• certain clothing choices

I know there's a whole lot more weird stuff in this world, but I'd need to write a book to put it all down.  Hmm, that's an idea...

Mothers & Daughters

I watched a movie today.  That, in and of itself, is unusual for me.  There aren't many movies made in the 21st century in which I have any interest.  But I remembered when this particular movie came out eight years ago, it sounded good.  So, I watched Spanglish.

The description of the movie was all about the love triangle that occurs between the husband, wife and housekeeper.  While that is a large part of the plot line, when all is said and done, I found the mothers and daughters theme to be equally strong.  Maybe even a bit more.

There's all these dynamics going on between the two mothers and their daughters, but there's also the wife's mother.  There's blame, jealousy, guilt and anger.  The thing that struck me most was that it is was so typical of many mother-daughter relationships.  Of course for the movie, some things are exaggerated.  But still...

For myself, I've blamed my mother for some of my negative traits.  But it wouldn't be fair if I didn't also give her credit for some of my virtues.  When she was alive and her physicality was diminishing, I felt burdened and, sometimes, overwhelmed.  Since she's been gone, I have felt--when I've had time--adrift and purposeless.

My own daughter has, in the past, blamed me for her own quirks.  I was suffering from anxiety and depression for a couple of years before I realized it and sought help.  Another couple of years later, I had developed Bipolar Disorder.  Those were some difficult years for both of us and my biggest worry was that my daughter's well-being would be compromised by my illnesses.  It didn't help that so many members of my family pretend there is nothing wrong with me.  My mother was the only family member who tried to learn about Bipolar.  I've always been grateful to her for that.

My daughter's teen years were...well, let's just say trying would be an understatement.  During my own teen years, I was a goody-two-shoes.  Mostly because I saw what being bold and assertive did for my older sister.  I didn't want to rock the boat.

My sister not only rocked the boat, she tipped it over a lot.  She seemed very confident and self-assured.  And she wasn't afraid or ashamed to speak her mind, often to her own detriment.  My then future brother-in-law came along and they balanced each other.

I wanted my daughter to be exposed to my sister's strong personality.  We spent a lot of time together.  Especially when my daughter and I lived with my parents.  My mother was very old-fashioned and my sister was much more liberal.  I was somewhere in between on that spectrum.  My daughter ignored the spectrum altogether.  It took me a long time to even start to understand my own child during her teen years.  By the time I was getting an inkling, she was grown.

It has taken a lot of self-control--more than I thought I had--to not interfere in my daughter's life after my mom died.  Well, to not interfere more than usual, anyway. She's still my child.  I care.  But she still thinks "outside the box" in a way I cannot completely grasp.

I understand perspective.  There's the allegory of the three blind men describing an elephant while each touches a different part.  My daughter would eschew the elephant and talk to the elephant trainer.  My own need for the whole truth would be to circumnavigate the elephant, climb under and on top to try to get the whole picture, but I don't know that I would turn to the trainer and get his opinion.  The thing is, unless we combined our information, we'd each still only have part of the
picture.

Anyway, at the end of the movie, the housekeeper (who grew up in Mexico) quits her job because she's fallen in love with the husband.  Also because she sees her daughter (who's about 12 years old) buying into the upper-class way of life with all it's deception and manipulation.  She apologizes to her daughter for having to make her (the daughter) make a decision about her (the daughter's) life at such a young age.  Then she asks her daughter, "Do you really want to change your life, or do you just want to be different than me?"  Or words to that effect.  The girl thinks about it and then says she is "her mother's daughter."

I found it sad and uplifting at the same time.  Sad because I don't know what my own daughter would have said under similar circumstances.  Uplifting because no matter what my daughter thinks, she is "her mother's daughter" and nothing will ever change that.

Not even--I have discovered--death.

"Truth" in Advertising?

I'm finding the apartment search a bit easier than last winter--at least in the respect of searching the ads and watching out for "For Rent" signs.  I'm a little more savvy at recognizing the scams.  And there are a lot of those!


The most prevalent scam is where the person posts an ad that seems to be a great deal.  Like a 2 bedroom duplex in Naperville for $600 a month.  Pets welcome!  So you send an email to them and find out that they had to leave the country because they're a doctor with UNICEF or a missionary or a teacher.  Many of them say they're in Lagos.

Lagos, Nigeria

I had to look it up because I thought Lagos was a city in Texas. Oops!

Anyway, they say they didn't have anyone to leave the keys with, so they have them with them.  All I have to do is send them the first month's rent and the security deposit (equal to the first month's rent) and they will mail the keys to me.  Uh huh.  And I'm the third cousin, twice removed to the Queen of England.  And as the robot said "Danger, Will Robinson!"

I wonder how many people actually fall for it, though.  Probably very few, but I still feel sorry for the any schmuck who gets caught up in the excitement and sends a money order as requested.  (No checks, please.  Of course, because you can stop payment on a check!)

I know at least one person who might've fallen for it.  At least many years ago.  He was always a bit slow. After forty some years he's been taken to the cleaners so many times he finally learned to ask other people before making decisions.  While I have no real fondness for this person that I know, I would still feel badly that someone took him for $1200 or whatever. And while he is in the minority, there are other people like him out there.  They are too trusting, too naive or too stupid to know better.

Another problem I've found in searching the ads is what I call the Carrot Ruse.  The landlord places an ad that screams NEAR PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION! NEWER APPLIANCES!! PETS WELCOME!!!  You notice how each successive statement gets an additional exclamation point.  No rent amount is listed anywhere.  "Near public transportation" means that the train is so close you can see the whites of the passengers eyes and the horn will make your ears ring for an hour.  "Newer appliances" mean post-1960.  "Pets welcome" means you will pay an extra amount each month plus a non-refundable pet security deposit.

Then there are a lot of little things like the misspellings, which can be amusing or confusing: "Well Maintianed", "Newly Remodled" and my favorite "Just steps to Lack Michigan!"

There are the ads that leave you wondering what it is, exactly, that they are advertising:  $589 / 1br - Want a 9th life? - (Contact JUngle JAne).   Really? A "9th life"?  And in a jungle?

Some ads need to be more specific with their adjectives: $755 / 1br - Eviction? Bad credit? 
THAT'S OUR SPECIALTY - (chicago & burbs) I don't want to be evicted and I sure as heck don't want to rent from someone with bad credit!

Then there are the euphemisms.  "Garden" apartment means you are in the basement with those tiny windows that let you see people's feet walking by.  "Cozy" means you'll have to lay on your bed to open your dresser drawers. "Rehabbed" means that the last tenant had a dog that chewed up the rug and scratched up the doors.  "Worth the Price" means it's so expensive you'll have to have a six-digit annual salary to live there.  "Rent Just Reduced" means the place is such a dump that nobody wants to live there and/or the landlord is a jerk. "Close to Everything" means you will have a constant barrage of noise from the businesses next door and the car and foot traffic going by.

But I'm learning to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.  I've got a couple of leads on what I hope are nice apartments.  Tomorrow I go to see one in Lemont.  The exterior looks like a cement block, but maybe inside it's a gem!

Appreciation--The Most Important Part

I've realized that hard water, laundromats or slanted floors don't mean a bloody thing if many of the most important people in your life aren't there to encourage, to praise, to help, to commiserate, to listen...

So I had to use a dozen shims and several small blocks of wood to level my appliances and dressers.  Who cares?  My friends chuckle and my sister helped.  I love them so much!  Even my sister-in-law (whom I've know since I was 7 years old) finally came and saw my place and all the work and decorating I did here in this apartment.  My brother hasn't, but, eh, I'm learning not to care so much, since he doesn't care about me.  It's a work in progress.

My daughter has been here once.  Two days after the movers brought all the furniture and boxes.  One day after my sister and I painted my bedroom.  There were boxes, shelving and furniture everywhere.  I've asked her to come.  I've come close to begging, but I haven't sunk that far--yet.

Now I already have some books packed up, but you can still see all the decorating I've done.  Last month, I drove to Summit to see her and her cat, Bebe.  We had a great day.  She bought me an outfit at Target.  But that isn't what made the day so great.  It was the one-on-one time.  The sharing of time, current events and plans.

It's the people I miss the most.  No, the beings.  I miss Jessicat, who had to be put down the week after Christmas.  I miss Emmy, who my sister helped find a home for before Christmas.  I miss my daughter, who is just too busy to come and see what her mother put so much time and effort into.  I miss her cat, Bebe, who spent so much time with me for six years.  And I miss my mom, big-time.

I hate talking on the phone.  But I miss being able to call my mom to share something funny that the cats did.  Or to tell her about the new book releases that she would be interested in.  I'd like to tell her that I love her one more time.  I'd like to make tea for us and sit with her and talk.

The thing is, having the people I love come, show an interest, and show they care about me, helps me deal with the grief.  I spent the first six months after my mom died being busy and physically active.  Once all the work, calls, searching, moving, painting, decorating and projects were done, my grief rose up and said "Time to deal with ME!"

I can't do it alone.  I saw my psychiatrist last Saturday.  He wants me to get a therapist again.  Fine by me.  Except I can't afford the $40 per session it would cost.  At least, not at the moment.  And then I have to spend at least one session bringing this person up-to-date on everything that has happened.

My sister can't stand people crying or being depressed.  She seems to think it's a weakness to let others see you when you're not upbeat and happy.  She accepts anger much more easily than sadness.  My friends listen, but they have crap going on in their lives, too.  Mostly, all three of my closest friends have spouses.  I realize that marriage takes work and that needs to be their primary focus.  But they do help and I appreciate that so much!

My advice to everyone is don't take the people you love for granted!  All of a sudden, they'll be gone.